


Steven's Recovery: Day by Day

by CornMuffin



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Cheek Kisses, Connie and Steven talk about their feelings, Cuddles, F/M, First Date, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Steven Universe (Cartoon) Spoilers, Steven Universe Future Spoilers, Steven Universe: The Movie Spoilers, mental health, steven gets a therapist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23695996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CornMuffin/pseuds/CornMuffin
Summary: Steven woke up on the hand of the cluster when Connie brushed a tear off of his face. When his vision cleared, he saw Greg, Connie, Garnet, and White and Yellow Diamond all smiling at him. Then he was able to turn his head some and see more of the Crystal Gems. Steven sat up and groaned. His body was so tired. Wiping his own tears from his face he asked everyone what had happened,“Wh-wha..I. Di-did I? I’m-“That’s when Lion popped up and licked Steven’s face. Steven thankfully had a blanket to cover him, but he was still cold and Lion’s mane was always so warm. He gave his big friend a hug and began to sob.~“They’ve been so protective of me these last few months since my meltdown.”
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 92





	1. Day One: The Meltdown

**Author's Note:**

> My Fiancee was looking for a fluffy, hurt/comfort for the time between "I am my monster" and "The Future". The're weren't many so I decided to write one for him. I've decided to write it on a day by day basis so people can read a clear timeline of him getting better. I've recently experienced a traumatic car crash so this is somewhat cathartic for me. I hope you enjoy!

The hand of the cluster guided Steven and the Crystal Gems back to Beach City’s shore. Steven’s sobs had gone down to sniffles but intensified again once he saw what he had done to the house. The wall that faced the sea was gone. He could see into the house and saw where he lost it and started his meltdon.

“It’s ruined! The house. It’s all my fault!”

“Hey, Schtu-ball it’s okay. It’s just a house. We’re all glad you’re okay!”

And Steven repeated that mantra that they’re glad he’s okay as he sat with Greg and Connie on the shore. Pearl and Garnet went to find Steven a change of clothes while Bismuth took a look at the house.

“It’s just a wall and it’s not like I haven’t fixed this house before. Give me 24 hours and it’ll be back up like it was yesterday.”

Hearing that, Connie walked away to call her mom.

“Yes, mom everything’s okay now… Steven is okay and so am I, but his house needs to be fixed. … Would it be alright for him to spend the night so he has someplace to sleep? … No he hasn’t seen a doctor since … If he goes to see one, can he stay? … Thanks mom! I’ll tell you when we’re on our way!”

She walked back to Steven, who had changed into new clothes and let him know about tonight. He put his head in his hands.

“Why would she let me in her house! I’ll just destroy it like I did mine,” He started to glow pink.

Connie grabbed his hands and reassured him, “you’ll have me and if you want, Greg can come too. Everything’s gonna be okay because you have all of us. The gems will take care of everything here. You need rest!”

Steven stopped glowing pink and he took a deep breath. Connie took Steven’s hand and held it all the way to Greg’s van and the whole way to Connie’s house. The car ride was mostly silent. Greg decided to put on some guitar instrumentals during the ride. Every once in a while Steven would begin to cry again and Greg would tell him that when he was a baby, a car rid would always get him right to sleep.By the time the van got there, Lion was already rolling around in the front lawn. He met Steven at the van and walked by his side all the way to the door where Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran welcomed him in.

“I’m so glad you two are safe. Steven, I’ve already made up the couch and dinner will be at 7 sharp.” Connie’s mom sighed and she led Steven to the couch. “Greg, will you also be staying?”

Greg looked to Steven and when he nodded, he asked to stay too.

“You’re both welcome to stay,” Connie’s dad patted Steven on the shoulder, blankets in hand.

Mr. Maheswaran had made chicken with rice and mixed vegetables for dinner and Steven sat with Connie and Greg at either side of him. Steven asked if he could go to bed early. He was so tired, and he just wanted to sleep. Greg gave him a hug before falling asleep on the other couch. He lied for a few hours before deciding to use the bathroom. He stopped when he saw his reflection in the mirror: his eyes were red and puffy, they hurt from all the crying. That just made him cry more. He sat down on the tile and it wasn’t long before he heard a knock on the door.

“Steven? Are you okay? Do you want me to come in?”

“I’m not okay, Connie. I turned into a monster today. I don’t understand why everyone is being so nice to me. I don’t deserve it. Not Bismuth fixing the house, not your parents letting me stay the night, not you being so nice to me after I was the scariest thing you’ve ever seen!”

“You deserve everything,” Connie opened the door and sat down next to him, “I think you need to sleep and we can talk about helping you more in the morning.”

“I can’t! Every time I let my mind go blank, all I can feel is corrupting and being a monster. It feels awful but I’m so tired,” he started to cry.

“That’s okay to feel bad. You’ve been avoiding thinking about how bad it feels when you need to feel it to move on.”

“I wish this never happened! I want this all to be over.”

Connie sighed and put her head on his shoulder. Steven tensed up before putting his head on hers, “Do you want to go sit on the couch? It’ll be cozier”, she asked. Steven shrugged and got up anyway. Walking to the couch, Connie grabbed Steven’s hand and he stopped in his tracks. She pulled her hand away.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s nice. Your hand his warm. It helps.”

They sat on the couch and Steven stared out the window. Eventually he saw Connie yawn and then caught it. She giggled and that brought a smile to Steven’s face.

“I missed that. Your smile. I was afraid I’d never see it again,” Connie put her head back on his shoulder and he leaned back onto her.

Steven had realized that this is the first time he’s smiled in a long time. Probably since the roller rink. At least a real one. Everything since then hasn’t felt real. He really was a fraud. His heart sank into his stomach and he groaned.

“I don’t feel like myself.”

“We’ll get you there. It’ll take some time but I’ll hold your hand anytime you need it.”

“Thanks. For everything.” Steven started to run his thumb up and down the back of Connie’s hand.

“There’s nothing I’ve done that you haven’t already done for me and everyone else.” She grabbed a blanket and draped it across both of their laps. “I’ll tell you everything’s gonna be okay as many times as you need to hear it.


	2. Day 2 - I Need A Hug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven finally gets some sleep, hugs his dad, eats, hugs the gems, eats more, hugs Connie, and then misses Connie.

Steven woke up with Connie’s head resting on his shoulder and his head on hers. His neck was sore from being stretched all night; Connie’s must feel the same. _I shouldn’t be causing any more pain_ , he thought, _I’ve done enough_. When he yawned, it woke Connie up. She groaned a bit, lifted her head and rubbed the side of her neck. _I did that_. She shifted and looked up at him with one hand rubbing her eye.

“Murnin”, she grumbled then yawned. Steven knew she wasn’t a morning person since they camped on the moon as Stevonnie. They always woke up grumpy – though that could be because they were fighting for their lives. He missed being Stevonnie. They were never really alone. Connie got up and asked if he needed anything: water, cereal, some ibuprofen. Shaking his head no he realized how tired his body was. _That should be normal_.

“I’ll be back soon, then.” Connie walked into the kitchen and came back with a bowl of cereal and a glass of water. “I know you said you didn’t need anything, but I figured you need some water.”

“Thanks,” Steven grabbed the glass and took a few sips. His throat was so dry; he downed the whole thing and placed the glass on the side table as she sat down beside him.

“How do you feel?” She spoke softly and looked over to Greg, who was still snoring. He could sleep through anything. All Steven could say was ‘tired’ and lean his head against the wall. Connie finished her cereal and put away the dishes. She went upstairs and went to change. When she came back, Steven had fallen asleep and Greg was sitting up and looking at him.

“Did he fall back asleep?” She asked Greg.

“Looks like it. Your parents went to work?”

“Mhm. They asked me to call when we left for his house. Pearl say anything about the house?”

“It’ll be done by tonight and we can come back now if he wants.”

“Do you want breakfast until he wakes up? We have cereal.”

“Cereal? Is this a five-star hotel?” Greg smiled as he stood up, then he frowned, “I probably shouldn’t be making jokes, right?”

“I think it was appropriate. Sometimes we need a little laughter,” Connie said as she poured him a bowl.

“Do we want to wake him up?”

“I don’t think so. Last night, I found him crying in the bathroom and he went to bed pretty late.”

“Got it. I just miss my Little Man. I want to let him talk to me about what happened. A couple days before, we got into this huge fight over how I raised him. I feel awful.”

“I know how you feel. About a week before this, he actually proposed and I didn’t know what to do. I wish we had talked about it more.”

“It’ll get better with time. When he’s ready, we can talk everything out. Human beings?” Greg held out a hand for a high five.

“Human beings,” Connie smiled as she put her hand to Greg’s.

Steven stirred awake by the time Greg finished his cereal. Greg was ready to give Steven a giant bear hug. He held his arms open for his son and Steven fell into them like he was a small child again.

“It’s okay, Schtu-ball. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Once Steven heard that he buried his face into his father’s shoulder and silently cried. He was sick of crying but he’d held everything in for so long that he couldn’t even let it all out at once. _This is gonna be a long couple weeks_. Greg let him go and told Steven that they could go back to the house and see the gems. Steven paused at the thought of seeing the gems again. Would they be loud and overbearing? Quiet and judgmental? Distant and scared? Each one seemed worst than the last. He shouldn’t put this off. He couldn’t figure out if he wanted to be alone or he wanted anything other than being alone.  
“Yeah, I guess, lets go,” he shrugged.

“Do you want to eat something first? I’m just worried that you didn’t eat much for dinner and I think you’ll feel better once you eat,” Connie gently places her hand on his and looked up at him.

Steven looked to her and couldn’t help but nod. She was so worried for him an he didn’t want to let her down. _If she wants me to eat then I’ll eat. She just wants what’s gonna make me better._ She brought a bowl and poured him some cereal. He sat down in front and took a bite. Did he eat at all yesterday? Why was he so hungry? He finished the bowl and Connie looked at him happy. _As long as she doesn’t hate me._

Connie texted her parents and let them know her, Greg, and Steven were headed to the temple. Greg asked Steven if he wanted to pick the music. He said whatever was already in was fine. Gentle guitar instrumentals it was. Steven leaned his head against the window and let his mind go blank as the trees went by. Connie asked if he was okay at some point. Tired.

The arrived at the temple and Steven first looked at the new wall. It hadn’t been painted yet, but the hole was covered, and Bismuth put in a door and a window where the old ones used to be. Connie texted Pearl to let them know the parked and the three of them exited the van.

“Take a few deep breaths before you go in and it’s okay if you don’t wanna talk now.”

“I do but I wanna make it short. I’m really tired.”

Connie walked in first, then Greg, then Steven. He was prepared to flinch if the all yelled ‘welcome home’ or jumped on him all at once. That didn’t happen. Instead, it was just Garnet standing a couple feet in front of the door with Amethyst and Pearl sitting on the couch looking at him.

“Welcome home Steven”, Garnet smiled and opened up her arms. Steven needed a hug. He walked in and leaned into her. Pearl walked over and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Steven nodded and asked Amethyst to join. He needed this and so did they. He missed the affection and the stability. Especially Garnet’s. The last time she hugged him was when he was still a … _I don’t even want to think about it_. Garnet let go and Pearl asked if he wanted anything to drink. He shook his head and said he wanted to go back to bed.

“You must be tired. Go on ahead”, Garnet wanted to pat Steven on the head like she did when he was younger but there were a few outcomes where doing that would make him feel worse.

“Do you want me to call for a pizza?” Greg started to reach for his cellphone. Steven nodded and went upstairs. Pearl asked Connie if she wanted to stay for dinner.

“I don’t feel okay leaving him. What if he needs me?”

“We’ll make up the couch if that’s what Steven wants.” Pearl said as she looked in the direction of Steven’s room.

When Steven collapsed on his bed, he half-expected it to collapse underneath him. _Am I hungry? I’m just so tired. I can’t believe the gems even want to hug me. It felt nice. I want to be hugged. I want to be alone._ Steven tugged at his comforter and cuddled it. Eventually, he heard a knock on the wall.

“Mhm?” Steven murmured against the comforter.

“It’s me. I’ve got pizza and water. You can come down if you want, but if you want to be up here you can.” Connie walked into his room.

“I don’t want to get up. My whole body has been sore since the car ride.”

“I can bring you some pain stuff if you want.”

“Please” He had a headache too. Connie turned to leave. “Wait.” She stopped and turned back to Steven.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to eat with me. I really don’t want to be alone. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Connie smiled, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Steven leaned against the wall and took a sip and then a huge gulp of his water. _Does she even want to eat with me? I feel so clingy. She probably thinks I’m pathetic. But she’s my best friend. Oh no the best friend I proposed to. I don’t want to talk about tha-_

“I’m back,” Connie came back upstairs with her own plate and glass of water. Steven scooched over to make room for her. “How do you feel?” She took a bite.

“I need a hug,” Steven really couldn’t hold himself back from that. Connie leaning on him last night, Greg’s hug, the gem’s hug. He just wanted to be held. _You’re acting like a baby._ Connie put her plate down and opened her arms.

“I’m here, Steven. Whatever you need.”

“I’m not being clingy?”

“If you are, it’s not a bad thing. If you wanting my support means hugs and physical affections from your loved ones, that’s okay.” Steven leaned in and they wrapped their arms around each other. This was nice. He breathed out a sigh of relief. Without thinking, Connie moved her hand up and down Steven’s back. It was soothing. He relaxed against her and buried his face into her shoulder. _She smells good. Is it the stuff she uses in her hair? I don’t know but it’s nice. She’s probably sick of this hug. Maybe it’s been too long._ He leaned away from her and she let go.

“Better?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“We don’t have to talk while we eat if that’s what you want.” They could talk tomorrow after he rested.

“Thanks.” Steven wishes that they had eaten in a comfortable silence but it was just slightly off. _You ruined everything_. When they finished Connie said she’d better get home before it gets dark. Steven didn’t want her to leave. He got anxious at the thought of another night alone with his thoughts. “Sounds good. Text me that you got home safe?”

“Always.” She smiled and walked to the balcony of his room and lion was already standing there, waiting for ear scratches. Connie gave him the scratches he wanted before Lion walked over to Steven and licked his face.

“Hey, Lion,” Steven smiled and gave him a scratch under his chin. Connie hopped up on Lion and they rode out to the beach into a roaring portal.

Steven wanted Connie to come back. He wanted to still keep hugging her. He wished he asked her to stay the night. _I can’t ask her to do that. Her parents would say no. She’d say no. Like she said not now when she proposed. Ugh I wish I never did that._ His phone buzzed.

**“Just got home! Let me know if you want me to come over tomorrow. – Connie”**

**“Please.”**

He felt like an idiot: vulnerable and stupid. _She doesn’t want your crush after seeing you like THAT_. He fell asleep eventually. He didn’t know when. He’s just glad he was able to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss my fiancee. Stupid pandemic keeping me from holding him at night! I'm imagining him and me anytime I write Steven and Connie together.


	3. Day 3 - Talking it Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven let's everything out

Steven woke up with his eyes all crusty. _Was I crying? Probably._ Immediately his hand reached for his phone to see if there were any texts from Connie.

“Good morning :)”

Quickly, he replied by asking how her night was and looked around the room. _I didn’t destroy it_. He breathed out a sigh of relief. _I have to pee. Will the gems be down there? I want to talk to them, but I want Dad and Connie here too. I should call him._ He called his dad and asked him to come over.

“I’ll be there in the few minutes, son!” Steven could hear him scuffling from the back of the car to the front.

Getting out of bed was difficult. His body was sore, his head hurt, and he didn’t know how long he slept but he was just so tired. Steven managed to stand up, put some pants on, and head downstairs. Before he turned the corner, he stopped to listen for anyone in the living room. Quiet. He took a deep breath and walked into the living room. No one was there. He headed for the bathroom to go and wash the sleep out of his eyes. When he came out, Garnet was sitting on the couch and facing the kitchen.

“You knew I’d be coming down here, huh?” Steven looked over as Garnet turned to face him.

“I feel bad, I’ve been keeping watch on you these past few days. I don’t know if I should have been or if I should have been watching you for longer.”

“It’s okay, Garnet. I actually want to talk about everything with you, the gems, Greg, and Connie later. I just need to get it all out.”

“You should eat first. You haven’t eaten it a while.”

Steven looked to the kitchen and sighed. He wasn’t hungry. He hadn’t felt that in more than a few days, but he knew he should eat every few hours. He grabbed the materials for a pb&j and sat down at the kitchen table. That’s when the doors to the temple opened. Pearl emerged first and looked to Steven with her eyes wide. Amethyst was behind her then passed in front of her to sit next to him at the kitchen table. She made herself a sandwich too.

“I’ve missed you,” Amethyst put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you too,” He smiled.

Pearl walked to the table with Garnet and that’s when Steven noticed that Pearl was crying.

“Pearl?”

“I’m so sorry Steven!” Pearl ran to the other side of the table and gave him a hug. Her voice was slow and chocked up, “You were in so much pain and we didn’t see anything. We’re so happy you’re safe!”

“Pearl. Right now, Steven needs quiet to process everything slowly.”

“You’re right, Garnet. I’m sorry Steven. If you need space, we’ll give you space.” She let go and took a few steps back.

“Actually, this is really nice. Seeing people care helps. I missed you guys too.”

Greg walked in ruffled Steven’s hair, “hey, son”. Steven got up to hug his dad. It was always comforting. There was a knock on the door. Even after all these years, she still knocks.

“Steven! I didn’t know when you wanted me over, so as soon as I could get Lion, we came over,” Lion padded past Connie to take a seat on the couch.

“I wanted you two here because I wanted to talk. I have to get it all out.” Steven looked to Greg and Connie then to the gems, “and I want you guys here too.” He walked over to the couch and sat next to Lion. His stomach was in knots.

“We’re all here for you, Steven,” Greg went to sit next to Steven then looked over at the gems, “We’re gonna listen and work to make you feel like you again.” Just Greg saying that made his eyes sting a little like whenever he was about to cry.

“Thanks, dad.”

Connie sat next to Lion and started to pat his mane. Her hand went across Lion’s head to gently touch Steven’s hand, “I’m here.”

Steven took a deep breath and looked to everyone in his living room. _I don’t want to cry in front of them. I don’t know if I can do this_. He took another breath.

“So…it all started when I talked to Jasper a couple months ago after Amethyst told me to forget about her,” He stopped when Amethyst opened her mouth to speak. She stopped herself and gave him a nod to keep going. “She and I started fighting and she brought something out of me I’d never felt before. I got really angry and started glowing pink and I was the strongest I’ve ever been. I was scared and didn’t know what to do but I had other things to deal with. The next time it happened was when Amethyst and I fused and I either stopped time or moved faster than time. It was all my fault that we had to clean up my mess because I had to keep fixing stuff around Little Homeschool.

“Stuff like this kept happening anytime I got really scared, or angry, or stressed. Like when Volleyball, Pearl and I got trapped in the Shell place. And stuff that made me feel that way kept adding up with Bluebird and no one believing me until it was almost too late.” Steven could see Greg run his fingers through his now-short hair. “And all the stuff I kept piling on myself because I can’t spend a single idle moment with myself. Ugh, I feel so pathetic.” He plopped his head in his hands and felt a big hand on his back.

“You’re not pathetic. You make mistakes. We all do. Especially me,” Greg started rubbing circles on his back.

“Greg’s right. We won’t judge and you can keep going until you let out everything you’ve been holding in,” Connie joined in and put a hand on the other side of his back.

Steven took another deep breath and rubbed his face roughly from his forehead until his hands dropped to his lap. “I’m not living up to what everyone wants me to be. The child I used to be, the hero an entire galaxy needed. The peacemaker for gems who won’t listen no matter what I do. And it feels like I can never catch up because I’m so busy fixing things that everything around me is moving on from me without even telling me. I can’t control any of it. I mean, you guys heard some of it when I made a cactus me that couldn’t keep anything in!”

“We’re sorry, Steven,” Pearl started to grab her hands and twiddle her thumbs, “We should have known."

“No one could have. There were so many paths you could have taken. I didn’t even want to look at some of them because you were so unhappy.” Garnet took off her visor to rub at her eyes.

“All I wanted was for everything to be like when I was happy. That’s why Peridot and I spent weeks on making our dream version of Camp Pining Hearts to work. I wanted to feel like I did years ago. I wanted to feel like a normal kid. That’s why I wanted so badly to skate with you and get along with your friends,” Steven looked to Connie, “A normal teenager wouldn’t feel like this! So, naturally I thought the next best thing to do was propose. I’ve never felt so stupid in my life.” Steven started to glow pink. Everyone around him got worried.

“I didn’t say ‘no’. I said ‘not now’” Connie put a hand to her chest, “I can’t be your solution to everything, and neither should Stevonnie."

“Yeah, Garnet told me it’s supposed to feel like my compliment not my missing piece” Steven rubbed the back of his neck. _If I understand then why does it hurt?_

“And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I should have stayed to talk to you about it when you needed me the most,” Connie looked to Steven. He was staring at the floor.

“So, the hospital I talked about?” The three gems nodded, “I went to see Connie’s mom because I wouldn’t stop glowing pink and my body kept swelling up and down. You guys were gone, Dad wasn’t here, and I didn’t feel like I deserved anyone to talk to. Eventually, I saw Connie’s mom and she told me that everything I’ve been through since I was only thirteen has hurt me so bad that it’ll just keep hurting forever. I feel like I’m constantly in battle when I’m just talking to someone.

“Dad took me on a trip and showed me his childhood home. I have grandparents a car ride away and I don’t even know their names. I got so mad. I’ve never seen a doctor, a dentist, I never went to school, I can’t skate, and it all gathered up to me feeling so robbed of a normal childhood.”

“I’m sorry, Schtu-b-“

“I didn’t know where else to go. I needed someone to talk to. To help me control my powers. I went to Jasper. I don’t know why. She told me to be angry, to not let anything hold me back and it felt GOOD. I didn’t wanna stop until I shattered her.” Steven started shaking and his voice cracked.

“But, we saw her..” Amethyst stepped forward.

“You did because I healed her. I’ve never been more scared in my life. That’s something diamonds do. Not me. I’m Steven. I don’t shatter. Those who shatter are evil so what am I. Diamonds shatter, so I went to them. I’ve been avoiding them and Spinel because I don’t want to deal with them. For people who have wanted to kill me for centuries they won’t stop being clingy. They didn’t help. They just made it worse. I was so mad at them that when White projected my thoughts onto her, I wanted to smash her head into a pillar. I wanted to shatter White because of all the pain she put us and me through.

“When I came back, I just couldn’t handle another disaster. I wanted everything to be normal and everything I did blew up – literally – in my face. I felt cornered and with nowhere to go. So, I just, exploded” He started sobbing remembering it all. “I can’t do it. I can’t be normal. I’m not okay.”

Steven cried for a while. Lion put his head on Steven’s knee. Every time he looked up; he checked his arm to see if he if he was turning into a thing. No horns. No scales. There was a pink glow. _How long has that been there? How long have I been talking? They want nothing to do with me now._

He looked around the room and all eyes were on him. Connie was the first to speak.

“We were right to be worried, but we should have made ourselves available for you to reach out to us.”

“We’re sorry if at any point we made you feel alone. You’re not now,” Garnet knelt beside Steven. He was staring to feel all stuffy with everyone crowding him.

“I need a walk. Just me,” Steven turned toward the door. Lion immediately got up and nudged Steven’s hand with his nose. “Alright, you too.”

He climbed the hill behind the temple about three times before the pink began to fade. When that was all over he climbed into his bedroom from the balcony window. Connie was there with two plates of pizza.

“Greg ordered dinner. We just want to make sure you eat.”

“Thanks, but I’m not sure I’m hungry.”

“At least take a bite.”

He obliged and took a second, then a third, then a fourth, and so on. He sat down on the bed. _Have I really been just talking all day?_

“You know,” Connie sat down next to him and handed him a glass of water, “Everyone’s really proud of you for opening up the way you did a while ago.”

“They don’t hate me? They don’t think I’m a-“

“No. Never. We’re all worried about you and I think you should talk to someone professional about it. They can help you more than we ever could.”

“Like your mom?”

“Not really. She heals bodies but someone who heals minds might help you a lot. They give you ways to help yourself, so you don’t feel so alone.”

“I don’t know. They might think I’m crazy. They might not know gem stuff. What if they lock me up for shattering?”

“We can look more into it in the next few days but right now I just wanted to introduce the idea into your head,” She leaned her head on his shoulder, “I really care about you, Steven. I just want you to be happy.”

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being a recap of all 20 episodes of SU:F but I'm pretty proud of it! Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated as well as ideas for future chapters.


	4. Day 4 - It's a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven looks into options for professional mental help. He and Connie talk about their feelings. Greg gives great Dad advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, this is gonna be so fluffy! I got butterflies writing this myself because I miss my fiancee so much! This was more dialogue-heavy than I'm used to so tell me if this works.

Steven was kind of relieved that he was able to get breakfast by himself without anyone in the beach house. He was able to have his cereal in peace. He wanted to look into what he and Connie were talking about last night. _What was the word she used? Counseling or therapy. I know she used the two words, but what do they mean?_ He decided to look them up.

> ‘Counseling - the provision of assistance and guidance in resolving personal, social, or psychological problems and difficulties, especially by a professional’
> 
> ‘Therapy - treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder’

They looked the same. But counseling looked better? He didn’t know. He searched ‘therapy versus counseling’ and scrolled through until he found a decent enough explanation.

‘Counseling is also usually more short-term than therapy. Psychotherapy is more long-term than counseling and focuses on a broader range of issues’

“I don’t even know what I need,” He rested his head on the table next to his empty bowl.

Later he called Connie to go over it with her.

“I’m not a professional, but I think the best route would be therapy. I’ve been looking stuff up for you and it says that since before they officially assign you a therapist that you do something called an intake appointment. It’s where you talk to someone about the problems you have and what your goals are.”

“I thought everyone had the same goal. Being okay or normal.”

“I think they have to be more specific based on my research and what my mom tells me.”

“You told your mom!”

“Just that you were looking for professional help and her experience with patients. She works in major surgery, so she sees a lot of people going through trauma.”

“It’s just that I haven’t talked to my dad yet..”

“Got it. I’m sorry Steven. I should have asked first.”

“You wanted to help. You’ve been doing more research than me. It means a lot. Thank you.”

“No problem. Anything to help you! I can come over later today if you want.”

“You know I always want you here, but aren’t your parents worried you’re spending so much time away from home when you should be studying?”

“They know I study enough and with all my Interplanetary Diplomacy I’m a shoo-in for any application I put in. I study this much so I can keep being top of my class.”

“You inspire me so much. Always reaching.”

“You inspire me too! You always want to see the good in everything and put your best foot forward.”

“You make me want to be a better person.”

“So do you. That’s why I like you…”

There was a pause.

“Uh, Connie?”

“I guess I finally said it.”

“Do you want to talk about this in person?”

“Yeah. I’ll be over in an hour. Bye…”

“Bye…”

Steven laid down on his bed and there was a blush on his cheeks. Finally, a pink glow he didn’t want to shove down. _She likes me_.

An hour didn’t pass fast enough. Eventually it did and there was the familiar sound of Lion’s portal followed by a knock on the screen door. He looked to her and nodding. She slid the door open and sat on the edge of the bed. She looked nervous. It was weird but he was glad he wasn’t alone. They both took a breath and accidentally spoke at the same time.

“I like you too-“

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you-“

Steven gestured towards her, “You go first.”

She took another breath, “You’ve been through so much that I don’t want to add anything else on your plate. I don’t know if your feelings about me changed since you … proposed. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like I broke your heart then.”

“You didn’t,” Steven put a hand on hers, “It did hurt, but it wasn’t your fault. I knew I wanted to be with you, but I wanted it for the wrong reasons. You can’t fix all my problems. That’s not what a partner is for. I do like you.”

They both looked up from here their hands were and into each other’s eyes.

“How long has it been for you?” Steven asked.

“Since before I left for space camp when I kissed you on the cheek. I’m sorry about that by the way.” She looked down. It was hard to tell because of her darker skin, but there might have been a blush. “How long for you?”

“After we defeated White and I had more time to think about my own feelings. I spent a lot of time on Homeworld without you and every time I got to see you again, I got this warm, happy feeling in my chest because of how much I missed you. But you don’t have to apologize. I liked it,” Steven scooched to be on one side of the bed with his back against the headboard and asked her to sit next to him. She moved there and held her hand out for him to hold.

“I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve never even been on a date.” Connie squeezed his hand.

“That makes us even. Is dates and a relationship something you want?”

‘Yes. And I’ll tell you that on the day on the beach if you asked me to be your girlfriend rather than proposed, I would have said yes.”

His stomach dropped and he let go of Connie’s hand to bury his face in his own, “I feel so stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid. You were looking for a solution to your problems and you thought it would be me. I can’t fix every thing, but I can help,” She gently rubbed his shoulder. “Why don’t we try going on a date? Dinner or something and see how it works. I want to go slow, because you’re my best friend and I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“I like the idea of dinner and then we go on a nice walk. We can take things slow and see where things go. We’re only sixteen.”

“Yeah that sounds really nice,” She smiled, “When is a good day. I don’t want to make you do things when you’re not rested enough.”

“I think it’ll take my body a while to catch up but I don’t feel like waiting that long. Does dinner for tomorrow work?”

“Always, but where? I imagine you don’t feel like being around too many people.”

“Not really, just you the gems, and Dad are all I can handle.”

“Well, Fish Stew Pizza has outside seating.”

“That sounds nice. Overlooking the beach. Let’s do it. It’s a date?”

“Our first date,” Connie smiled.

Steven felt more joy in that moment than he had in the last few months combined. He wrapped his arms around her, and she leaned into the embrace. It was nice to be held like that. So warm and safe.

“I know it’s a weird jump in topics, but do you still want to talk about professional help?’

“I do,” Steven let go, leaned against the headboard an stared at the ceiling, “I don’t know what I need. I was looking up the differences between counseling and therapy and I don’t know what will work best. I don’t even know where to look.”

Connie reached to her side and pulled out her laptop, “I have a few tabs open. There isn’t an office in Beach City, but one in the next town over. About ten miles away in Charm City.”

“Something I’m really worried about is the fact that most of my problems are gem-related. What if they don’t know about them or really don’t like gem stuff?”

“Well with the work you’ve done on little Homeschool, there’s been more gems integrating into human society than ever. I don’t think many human would be against Gem culture and should at least know the basics. Sometimes you can call the office and they’ll tell you what specialists they have on hand.”

“Specialists?” Steven was so confused. There were a lot of words like ‘intake appointment’ ‘specialists’ and he was starting to feel stupid.

“Yeah, some psychiatrists work on certain demographics like young people, autistic people, the LGBT+ community, couples, and just people with depression and anxiety. The intake appointment I was talking about earlier is to decide what specialist you need.” She felt bad that he needed so much explaining. He probably felt really out of the loop. “It’s alright. I’m here.”

“Thanks, Connie. You’re making this a lot easier.”

“Do you want to call and schedule something?”

“I want to wait to talk to my dad about it. He’ll probably be paying and I’m still a minor. Also, I want him to be involved in me getting better.”

“I understand. We can do this later. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll text you the office’s number. I should be getting home. Mom wants me here for dinner tonight.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow and… thanks Connie.” Steven smiled and remembered that tomorrow would be their first date. His stomach clenched up but in a good way. Is this the butterflies his dad talked about? He hoped so.

Connie started packing up her stuff and called Lion. He climbed up to the porch and sat down for his treat. Steven reached into his nightstand drawer for the stash of Lion Lickers he always kept. Once Steven gave Lion the treat, Lion got up and got ready for Connie. She was petting Lion’s mane and looking out to the sunset. She was so pretty. This reminded him of before she left for space camp. He wanted to see if giving a cheek kiss gave him the same warm feeling as receiving one.

“Uh … Connie?” Oh stars, his hands were shaking.

“Yeah Steven?” She turned to face him.

He leaned in and quickly gave her a peck on the cheek. When he pulled back, he immediately felt like he ruined everything. That is, until she smiled at him. She gave him a hug.

“Goodnight Steven. I can’t wait for our date.” Her face felt so warm against his neck.

“Goodnight Connie. And me too,”

Connie hopped on Lion and left to her house in a portal.

He felt the same way he did when she blurted out that she likes him. _She likes me. She knows I like her back. We’re going on our first date. I KISSED HER ON THE CHEEK._ His mind was racing. He needed to tell someone. He looked through his phone and called his dad.

“Hey, son. How are you feeling?”

“Really happy.” He could be flying.

“I’m so glad your mood is up. What’s gotten you so happy?”

“It’s Connie. We said we liked each other, and we have a date planned for tomorrow, and I kissed her on the cheek, but only because she kissed me first, and I have no idea what to do on a date.”

“Whoa there, Schtu-ball! One chunk of news at a time. I’m really proud of you. Dating your best friend is the best feeling in the world. As for date stuff, don’t sweat it. She already likes you so you don’t have to do anything you haven’t already been doing.”

“I just have a million thoughts in my head.”

“That’s normal. I can come over tomorrow and help you get ready.”

“I don’t think I need help with that but tomorrow morning I do want to talk about something else. Connie and I have been looking into me getting professional help for what I’ve been through and I wanted to go through it with you.”

“I think that’s a great idea. I’ll help you with anything that’ll make you feel better. I love you, son!”

“I love you too, dad.”

He hung up and all he could think of was Connie and their date. He wanted to get her something. Guys in movies get presents for their dates, right? They usually use flowers. That sounded perfect. Tomorrow beforehand he would visit Peridot’s greenhouse and get her something simple and beautiful.

Just like her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I always check the comments so any constructive criticism and ideas of where to take this will be appreciated and considered!


	5. Day 5 - Violent Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Greg talk everything out. They schedule Steven to start therapy. Steven talks to Peridot before going on a date with Connie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to my fiancee for proofreading this before it goes out.

Steven had hoped that he wouldn’t wake up tired today. Excited as he was, he was still overwhelmed with wanting to stay in bed for the rest of his existence. To motivate himself, he called his dad and asked him over for breakfast. When he offered to get doughnuts before coming to the house, he couldn’t say no. By the time Greg got to the door, Steven had gotten himself dressed.

“Look at you! Just yesterday I was helping you learn how to tie your shoes and now you’re out on your first date!” Greg pulled Steven into a hug.

Steven pulled away before his dad could start crying, “Hey, its okay. The date isn’t until tonight. I actually wanted to talk to you about me getting professional help,” He started walking towards the table and sat down.

“Steven, I just want to say I’m really proud of you,” He put an arm around Steven and then sat down in front of him, “Not many people have the courage to admit that they need some extra help to feel better. I actually needed some myself once.”

“You did? When?”

“It was when you were just born. Babies are tough and I didn’t have anyone around to help. Plus, it was really hard to get over your mother, I saw someone, and he recommended a single parents’ group. It was really helpful to know I wasn’t alone. We even shared parenting tips and crazy stories like when my kid got stolen by his aunts.” He chuckled and grabbed a doughnut and Steven followed suit.

“Wow, I never thought I’d know anyone who’s ever done it,” Steven looked up at his dad, “I’m sorry. For yelling at you in the car. I shouldn’t haven taken out all my frustrations out on you.”

“I’m okay, son. I could never be mad at you. I’m just happy you’re okay. And I’m sorry. I should have introduced you to my parents at some point. I’m sure they’d love you as much as I do. As for how I raised you, I admit I made some mistakes. I never took you to a doctor or school. This isn’t an excuse, but I didn’t know how to register you what with all the gem stuff. I’m happy you managed to figure it all out so you can have a drivers license but that should have been up to me as your dad.”

Steven got up so fast the chair fell over and hugged his dad. No matter what he knew his dad would always be there. It felt so nice to get everything out from that night.

“I realized looking back that you looked miserable in those photos. You wanted the opposite for me and I was too frustrated to think about the love you put behind that idea,” It killed him to criticize his own dad’s parenting skills. To tell him he did something wrong, but he needed to say it. “I just wanted some structure.”

“I’m sorry, son. Going on would it help if you got a blend of freedom and structure?”

“That would be really nice,” Steven’s voice stared to waver.

“Aw, I’m here Schtu-ball,” Greg got up and started patting Steven’s back, “I’m here.”

Eventually, Steven let go and they both sat down. Steven pulled out his phone and showed Greg the place he and Connie found yesterday.

“For starters on structure, I was thinking about talking to someone regularly.”

“This looks like a good place to start. Do you want me to call and ask?”

Steven nodded and Greg called their office number.

“Hello, this is Scott with Charm City Psychiatry. How can I be of assistance?”

“Hi, Scott. I’m looking for my son to start seeing someone regularly.”

“Yes, we do offer therapy here and he have some spots available. How old is your son?”

“Seventeen years old.”

“Since he is a minor, we would need you here to sign and approve.”

“Alright. How soon can he start seeing someone?”

“Let me check … our next availability for an intake would be next week at noon. Does this work?”

Greg looked to Steven and he nodded, “That works just fine.

“Can you give me an email to send a confirmation?”

Greg gave him his email address that Pearl made him get.

“Perfect. Make sure to arrive a half hour before your appointment to fill out the necessary paperwork. I’ll see you then.”

Greg hung up and looked to Steven. He was looking down at the table here he was playing with his fingers.

“That was it? I don’t know what I expected.”

“There’ll be more when you talk to someone for the first time. I can be in the room with you, sit in the waiting room, or hangout somewhere else if you want. Whatever makes you comfortable. You can even have Connie with you if that makes you more confident.”

“I didn’t know you could bring people,” Steven said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Sometimes its just nice to have someone you know in a situation you’ve never been in before. And, uh, speaking of Connie…” Greg looked to Steven like he’d been waiting to talk about this for weeks.

“I don’t know what to do! I’ve never been on a date. What if I do something wrong and she hates me forever?!”

“Hey, that’s not gonna happen. She likes you. She said, yes to a date. Just act like you would when you guys normally hang out except hold her hand and look into her eyes.”

“What was your first date like? Not with mom, but as a teenager?”

“It was the most awkward I ever felt. My dad drove me to pick her up at her house and we both sat in the backseat refusing to look at each other. We went to a museum and my dad was always a few feet behind me as a chaperone. I’m not gonna do that with you.”

“Thanks dad. I know in the movies the guy will get his date something. What do you think of flowers?”

“She’d like that. What were you planning on doing?”

“Uh… getting pizza and eating it by the beach during the sunset. Is it too simple?”

“No, it sounds perfect, but my opinion doesn’t matter. If it feels right for you, then it’s a good decision.”

“Thanks, dad. It feels really nice to think about something that normal teenagers think about.”

“No worries, son. I’ll help you through any human problem that comes up. I’m an expert!” Greg pointed a thumb at himself with half a doughnut sticking out of his mouth. For the first time since … everything … Steven laughed.

After Greg left, Steven took a shower and put his only clean clothes left on. _I really need to do laundry. Tomorrow. Yeah._ He looked at himself in the mirror and took a few deep breaths. This would be the first time leaving the house since it all happened. First time back to Little Homeschool. First time seeing Peridot. No doubt she’d be there. He stepped onto the warp and imagined himself at the center of Little Homeworld. There he was.

Walking through the paths around the buildings felt awkward. He got a few waves and ‘hello’ but all he could do was smile back. Why did it take so much effort now to see everyone after all this? He didn’t want to think about that. Walking into Peridot’s greenhouse, he saw the top of her head poking through a row of plants near the back.

“Uh, Peridot?”

“Steven!” She put down her watering can and ran over to him, “What are you doing here? How are you? Do you need anything?”

“I’m doing better. Not ready for big meetups but I guess on the up and up. I actually do need something.”

“Anything for one of my CPH buddy!” She gave him a small hug and then looked up at him, “Do you need plants?”

“Yeah, actually! Some flowers,” He started looking around for some to see if they caught his eye.

“What do you need flowers for?”

“I want to give them to Connie as a present.”

“Wait… Percy gave Paulette flowers before they went on their romantic social outing! Is that what’s happening?

_Wow, she really is perceptive._

“Yes, it’s for that but I don’t need it to be a big deal. I just want something simple but nice.” Steven didn’t think he could handle all the gems and their questions.

“Well if that’s what you want, part of my gardening class has been growing some more petal plants in this section,” Peridot led Steven to a corner of the greenhouse that had a few aisles of flowers. He saw the families of small blue flowers. _Her favorite color._

“These.”

“Oh, yes. These are my Peri-winkles or _Corydalis flexuosa_ from your primitive dichotomy system. They’re known for their fragrance and low maintenance. I can get you a small flower trophy for her,” She grabbed the scissors and took a pause, “Do you want to use your healing powers?”

“N-not today. I’m not ready. They can heal on their own just fine,” Steven took a defensive step back. He didn’t want any disaster to be his doing anymore.

“Okay, just asking,” Peridot cut enough for a small bouquet and handed it to Steven. He’d have to wrap them at home but they were perfect.

“Thanks, Peridot,” Steven waved.

“Anything for my first Earth friend,” She smiled. He missed her. He turned around and called to her one more time.

“Yes, Steven?”

“I’m sorry for ruining your greenhouse.” He said softly.

“Aw, Steven,” She ran over to Steven and gave him a hug, “You didn’t ruin it. Bismuth fixed it the next day. We can always get new buildings but never a new Steven. I’m happy you’re okay. You’re my favorite Steven!”

“Thanks, Peridot. That really means a lot.”

Back at home, Steven had tied the flowers together with some string and put them in a cup of water in the meantime. He was careful to not use any spit the entire time. He couldn’t count the amount of times he’s brushed his hair or smoothed out his shirt. Those butterflies everyone was talking about were violent. He was so excited it was making him nauseous.

Eventually he got a text from Connie that said she was outside. Lion was outside chewing on a lion licker with Connie petting his head.

“Hi, Connie!”

“Steven!” She smiled up at him as he walked down the stairs to the beach. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, she noticed that he had some flowers in his hand. “Oh my gosh, Steven. This is so sweet!”

“These are for you,” He handed her the periwinkles – _Peridot is gonna have me saying this forever_ – and she took them up to her nose.

“You remembered my favorite color?”

“Of course! You look really nice, by the way,” He took her hand and they stared walking towards Fish Stew Pizza. She really did look amazing in her simple light green sundress.

“Thank you,” She smiled, “I called ahead and ordered so we wouldn’t have to wait.”

“Of course you did.”

Steven decided to wait outside and handed Connie enough for the pizza and a tip. He was holding the flowers and they laughed when he wanted to hold the pizza box so she could have the flowers back. They found a table on the pier and started eating.

“Did you talk to your dad?”

“I did. We set up an intake appointment. He actually told me that he did group therapy after mom died and I was born. It feels weird to know.”

“More people go to therapy than you think.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… actually you know when you gave yourself up for Aquamarine and left for Homeworld?”

“Yeah?” Steven didn’t want to know the next part.

“I wasn’t sleeping, or eating, or really doing anything but worrying about you. My mom got concerned and got me into a couple months of sessions.”

“How long did you go?”

“I stopped going when we made up, then I started going again after everything that happened in White’s Head and stopped a couple months after. I never told you because I didn’t want to worry you. I’m sorry- “

“No! You don’t have to apologize. Thanks for telling me. I feel a bit more normal knowing the people closest to me go. Did it help?”

“It really did. I liked having a set time once a week to talk about my feelings and everything I’ve done with you for the last few years. I took medication for anxiety for a bit and got off them a little while after everything with Spinel.”

“Thanks for telling me this.”

“I trust you. You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend.”

Steven saw Connie’s free hand across the table and put his on top, “Is this alright?”

“This is perfect,” She started to interlock their fingers together.

They finished their pizza and started walking along the beach. In one of Connie’s hands was the bouquet of flowers and in the other was Steven’s own hand. There was a warm breeze that made them both feel at ease. Eventually, they found a bench and watched the sunset together.

“This feels weird in a good way. Like how we usually hang out but elevated,” Steven looked to Connie.

“It does. I like it. As far as first dates go, this was really nice. I wanna keep doing this.”

“You want to go on more dates?”

“I would. Maybe even say we’re dating each other,” She started to blush.

“Okay,” Steven felt his cheeks start to hurt from how much he was smiling. It was a good hurt. He had this question in the back of his heart that he needed to get out or he felt like he would scream, “You said, you would have said yes to being my girlfriend?”

“Yes?” Connie knew what he was going to ask. She was nervous regardless.

“Would you be okay if we were boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“Yes!” She quickly wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

They hugged for a minute before letting go and Connie rested her head on his shoulder. They felt inseparable.

Steven walked Connie back to Lion and told her to text him when she got home. He didn’t want her to leave. She promised she would and punctuated it with a kiss on the cheek. Steven was overcome with emotions and got onto his tiptoes to kiss her on the forehead. When he took a step back she had the cutest smile on her face.

“Goodnight, boyfriend,” She was blushing.

“Goodnight, girlfriend.”

Steven might as well be floating up the stairs and into the house. This was everything the night be proposed should have been and more.

“Steven? Is everything alright?” Pearl brought him a little closer to reality.

“Everything’s perfect,” Steven sighed as he walked up the stairs.

“I should check on him,” Pearl started to follow him, but she was cut off by Garnet.

“Don’t, he’s fine. He’ll talk to us tomorrow.”

“I miss him,” She crossed her arms.

“Me too,” Garnet said and sat on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing! If there's anything you think I'm missing or could improve on, let me know in the comments.


	6. Day 6 - Groggy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's day is ruined by a bad night's sleep. He gets some good advice from Amethyst but overall has a pretty foggy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my fiancee for beta-reading this chapter!

How many times did Steven wake up in the middle of the night? At least twice. Once he remembered because got up to get water and to use the bathroom. The second one was worse. He woke up saying something, but he couldn’t remember what. It was because of a nightmare. He was a monster again. Garnet was running to him. The same giant Garnet but when she jumped over him, she tackled him under the surface of the ocean until he couldn’t breathe. He gasped himself awake and his body jerked. His t-shirt and shorts were covered in sweat. The sheets too. He groaned as he got up and headed to the screen door. He leaned his head on the cool glass and sighed. If he’s been so tired lately, why couldn’t he sleep? He decided to walk up to the greenhouse and sit with the plants.

The short walk up the wooden stairs helped cool off the sweat. The breeze was cool as it was mid-spring and he got to take some deep breaths when they brushed past. There were no chairs in the greenhouse so he just laid down on the floor and looked up at the transparent ceiling into the sky. On one side, the sky was pitch black with a few stars and on the other side of the room, there was an orange glow creeping in. He watched the bright orange take over the dark blue-ish black until it was halfway across the celling. His eyes started to hurt from being tired and watching something so bright for about a half hour. He went back down the balcony outside of his bedroom. The tide was coming in and he could hear the waves better. There was no chair so he leaned against the railing until he yawned. _Back to bed I guess._

He laid back down in his bed. Everything had dried so it felt less gross than when he woke up. He buried his face into the pillow and took another deep breath. He needed to do laundry. He was almost out of clean clothes. Tomorrow, he promised himself. He fell back to sleep eventually. He was really losing track of those eight hours. _That can’t be good._

Eventually, he woke up again for the third and final time. He wasn’t well-rested, but he did have to use the bathroom and eat again. On his way down the stairs he checked his phone for messages but stopped when he saw the time.

“2:37 PM!” Steven exclaimed. He missed breakfast and lunch. Below the time there were three messages: two from Connie and one from Greg.

Connie @ 10 AM: “Good morning, Steven. How are you feeling? If you want me to come over let me know!”

Greg @ 12:06 PM: “Hey, son. Wanted to check in and ask how your date went”

Connie @ 1:32 PM: “Are you okay? You usually don’t sleep in this late. Call me if you need anything.”

 _I’ll answer those later_.

Walking into the kitchen, Steven knew he needed to eat but he wasn’t hungry. Nothing really sparked his appetite. Cereal? Oatmeal? Leftover pizza? Nothing looked good. Pizza took the least amount of effort, so he microwaved a few slices. And sat down at the table.

“Steven.”

He looked up and saw Garnet.

“You just woke up.”

He nodded.

“I saw you out with Connie yesterday. I’m happy you got some fresh air.”

“I guess.” Steven was confused because yesterday was so nice. He should be feeling great. Instead he felt foggy and sluggish.

“You don't look well.”

“I don’t know,” He swallowed and rubbed his face with both hands. “I didn’t sleep well. Nightmare. I might just go back to bed.”

“If you think that will make you feel better,” She took off her visor, “Pearl and Amethyst miss you. I miss you.”

“I know and I’m sorry, but I don’t know what’s up today. I’ll see you later.”

“You don’t have to be. We love you.”

“I love you guys too.”

Steven went up to his room and saw again that there was a pile of shirts and pants next to his bed. He groaned and laid down on his bed to stare at the ceiling. After a few minutes – he didn’t know – he got heard a buzz from his phone.

Connie @ 3:04 PM: Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?

He had to respond now. She was getting worried.

Steven @ 3:05 PM: Yeah, I guess. Just tired. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Go ahead and study.

He went ahead and responded to Greg because he didn’t want to have him drive all the way to the house.

Steven @ 3:06 PM: Hi, dad. Date went well. Having a quiet day today.

He decided to put his phone on sleep mode so he could nap.

When he woke up, the sun was setting over the sea and was all sweaty again. No nightmare this time, but he felt so groggy and tired. Naps were supposed to make him feel better, not like he had a cold. He headed downstairs to use the bathroom and get something to eat. He still wasn’t hungry. When get got out of the bathroom he remembered he wanted to talk to the gems. He didn’t feel like it. Fate decided for him when he heard the sound of the warp pad. It was Amethyst.

“Hey, man. Haven’t seen you in a while,” She took a look at his hair, “Just woke up?”

Steven nodded.

“That doesn’t sound like you. It’s getting dark. Have you eaten today?”

“I had some leftover pizza this morning. I’m not really hungry.”

“You should have some dinner. I’ll make us some sandwiches.”

“You don’t have to. I was just gonna grab a granola bar.”

“I think you should have something more. It sounds like you’re having a rough day.”

“Thanks,” He sat down at the table.

“Are you still a vegetarian?”

“I don’t know. I had some fish when I was in the forest with Jasper. I’ll have some turkey if we have any.”

“You got it,” She gave him a thumbs up and them both dinner. She set one down in front of him an sat down, “Was yesterday bad?”

“No. Actually, it was pretty amazing. Connie and I went out on our first date and were boyfriend and girlfriend. I should feel amazing. But last night I had a nightmare and it kind of ruined the whole day.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“It was about what happened a few days ago. I dreamt it was still happening.”

“That part’s over. It’s okay you’re worried it’s gonna happen again. I think this is something you should talk about with someone.”

“I set up and appointment with a therapist. I see them in less than a week.”

“I don’t know much about therapists, but I think talking to someone who’s been through what you’ve been through – or close – might make you feel more normal. It helped me to meet more Amethysts.”

“I don’t know who to even start with. There’s no one like me.”

“I know but think of someone who took a few months to get over something traumatic and is really depressed because of it.”

Steven knew who she was talking about. “You think I should talk to Lapis?”

“She’s been something she wasn’t proud of before with Malachite and since then she’s decided to never fuse again. I might be good for you to try talking to her about it.”

“That sounds really smart. I’ll give it a shot. Thank you.”

“No problem. And I meant it when I said: it’s possible to like yourself. It took me thousands of years but I’m the closest I’ve ever been. I can say I’m proud of all I’ve done and become. I think the same thing can happen to you someday.”

“I wonder when that’ll happen. Thanks for talking to me. I feel a little better.”

“No problem. Goodnight, Steven.”

“Goodnight, Amethyst.”

Steven went upstairs and he realized he hadn’t checked his phone since before his nap. There were three messages.

Connie @ 3:11 PM: If that’s what you want. Call me tonight.

Greg @ 4:18 PM: Alright, son. Love you!

Connie @ 5:37 PM: Steven? Do you still wanna call? I’m ready whenever you are.

He felt bad and sighed. She deserved an explanation today. He hit the call button and waited for an answer.

“Hi, Steven!”

“Hey, Connie. Sorry I’ve been more off-the-grid today. I haven’t been feeling my best.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. I just wanna be done with it.”

“That’s okay. I just wanted to check in.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you want me to let you go to bed. You sound tired.”

“I don’t want it to seem like I don’t want to talk to you! I look forward to time with you. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“That’s okay. We’ll figure it out and work on it together.”

“Thanks Connie. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Steven.”

She hung up, but he still felt bad. She just wanted time with him and he didn’t even have enough energy for that. He laid down in bed and looked to the ceiling. He was tired but he still wasn’t tired. It was maddening. Eventually, he went to sleep. He felt like he wasted a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit short but I thought Steven would have a bad day after a good one because that's how it was for me. Thanks for reading and let me know of any ideas/suggestions in the comments.


	7. Day 7 - First Cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven gets some advice from Lapis on recovering from trauma, but ends up having a panic attack. Connie is there to help him through it.

What was it like to have a headache, but it was all over your body? All of his limbs felt like they were being pressed down by an unknown force. He was too aware of the sound of the waves, the sheets rustling as he moved every few seconds to get comfortable, anyone walking in the living room. It was all too much. He got up to wash his face with some cold water and remembered he hadn’t taken a shower since before his date with Connie. _I should. I’m gross and I smell. I only have a few more shirts left before I need to do laundry. It’s all piling up._ He decided to take a long shower to clear his head. It helped a little. When he got out, Amethyst was there again.

“Are you visiting Little Homeworld today?”

“I guess. I don’t know. I feel like dirt.”

“That’s okay. You’ve got me and I’m made of dirt.” Amethyst walked closer with her arms open to hug him. “Us worse gems stick together. That’s why we’re the best.”

It was nice to hear. He hadn’t hugged Amethyst in a while and forgot that they used to be the same height at one point. Now his chin reached her forehead.

“Thanks, Amethyst. For this and last night. Out of all the crystal gems, you’ve grown up with me the most.”

“Thanks to you.”

They let go and Amethyst went into her room so he could have a quiet breakfast. He couldn’t stop looking at the warp pad. _Do I really want to go to Little Homeworld? I’ve done it before, but that was when I felt better than this. I’ll have to face more than Peridot. What if everyone hates me for ruining the baseball game and almost killing the heaven and earth beetles? They probably all think I’m as bad as the other diamonds. I can’t go in there. How else am I going to talk to Lapis? She hates phones. I need to talk to someone who understands._ He got up from the chair walked towards the warp pad. His still breathing turned into deep breaths before he activated it and the living room turned into a bright light that turned into Little Homeworld.

Landing in the middle of the square, some gems immediately stopped to look at him and wave. He waved back and stepped off. His four fingers were running across his thumb rhythmically to keep calm. He walked to Peridot’s greenhouse to start. She’d talked to him before and he felt better being in a place less open and public. Just his luck. She was holding a class.

“Hello, Steven! Are you looking for more flowers for romantic gifts?”

“N-not really. I kind of wanted to see Lapis.” He felt himself starting to sweat. He felt like the first time he tried coffee. Shake-y and nauseous.

“Oh, she’s finishing her art class. She should be done at 15:00.”

“What time is that again?”

“3:00 PM. If you’re going to lead the universe, you might as well use a more efficient time system.”

“Alright. See ya around.” He waved and turned to leave. That’s when Peridot’s class all said goodbye to him too and his lungs clenched in his chest. “O-okay…bye.” He almost slammed the tinted glass door on the way out.

Lapis was wrapping up today’s art lesson: skylines. Her and about fifteen other gems were just outside Little Homeworld and carefully sketching the outline of the mini-city against the sky. Lapis was telling them where to meet next so it looked like they were almost done.

“And next week we’re going over sunsets.”

“Professor Lazuli, Steven Universe is behind you.”

“Thanks, Cherry Quartz. Class dismissed,” She turned to smile at him, “Hello, Steven. It’s nice to see you.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Lapis.”

“How have you been? I haven’t had the chance to visit since, well, everything.”

“I wish I was better, but I’ve been super foggy lately.”

“I’ve been there,” She sat down on the grass and patted the space next to her, “Talking helps.”

“Amethyst actually suggested I talk to you about it. You’re a friend I trust and you’ve been through your own stuff.”

“It took a lot of time for me to feel better. I remember feeling so tired after everything. I slept for days. Are you feeling tired?”

“Yeah. What I find weird is that a few days ago I felt great. I went on a date with Connie. I visited Little Homeworld and talked to Peridot just fine. Now today I’m shaking and nauseous and I can’t handle talking to more than one person at a time!”

“So you felt bad for a few days, good for a few, and then bad again?”

“Yes! I don’t know how I’m gonna feel one moment to the next much less day to day.”

“That’s okay. I didn’t either. I was angry, sad, tired, overwhelmed, and confused. I’d be concerned if you weren’t some or all of those.”

“How did it get better? I’m sick of it and it hasn’t even been a week! I miss having the motivation to take care of myself. I hate feeling like this!”

“Time. Months. And a friend. Having Peridot around helped because we could make sure we took care of each other. The barn had a lot of space if either of us needed a quiet moment. Gems don’t need to get food or do laundry or sleep so the two of us put all our time into the farm. It was nice to have a big project.”

“I tried gardening. I made a giant cactus monster.”

“So maybe gardening isn’t your thing. You love music.”

“I do. I haven’t picked up an instrument since I tried to propose to Connie. I broke my guitar.”

“You still have your ukulele? Get back into music. And don’t spend so much time alone. I wanted to spend every minute alone at first. It just made everything worse.”

“I’ll try.”

“And if you need a friend, or a project, come to my art class. I got really into it and it’s been really relaxing.”

“Thanks, Lapis.”

“Anything for you, Steven. You saved me. You should be proud of that.”

“Right,” He got up and close his eyes as he felt the breeze on the back of his neck.

“I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah. I’m going home. Tired.”

“You go rest,” She sprouted her water wings and flew off into Little Homeworld.

Steven was happy to have the walk to the warp pad alone. He thought about who would be the Peridot to his Lapis. Greg was his dad and wouldn’t work. Connie had her own life. Amethyst seemed like a good option, but it didn’t feel perfect. His mind went through almost anyone he’d ever met – even Onion – and his mind kept going back to Connie. He got back to the warp pad without seeing many other gems and landed in his living room.

He missed Connie. She had her own goals. She wanted to get into college and finish in three years. He couldn’t ask her to live with him like Peridot and Lapis did in the barn. All he wanted to do was call his best friend.

Steven @ 4:27 PM: Hey, are you busy right now? I’m not feeling good.

It didn’t take long for her to respond.

Connie @ 4:31 PM: Nope. Do you need me to come over?

Steven @ 4:32 PM: Only if you’re not busy. I don’t want to burden you.

Connie @ 4:33 PM: You never would. I’ll be over in ten :).

Steven groaned. She was coming over again, because he needed to be consoled. He felt like a child. She was a busy woman and he was keeping her from her dreams.

_She’s only coming over because she pities you and is going to break up with you after one day. She doesn’t care about you. She’s not gonna help you get better. She’s not supposed to be your therapist. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve anything. You’re weak and you’re nothing._

When Connie knocked on Steven’s door, he was laying on his bed on his side. His back faced her and he didn’t want her to see the other side.

“Steven?”

“You didn’t have to come. You should go back home to do stuff you actually wanna do.”

“I want to be with you. We haven’t talked much the past few days and I miss you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why shouldn’t I miss my best friend?”

“I could have killed someone!” He curled into himself and began to glow pink.

Connie’s heart broke at hearing him like this. She carefully sat at the edge of the bed. “You didn’t. No one got hurt.”

“Yeah, but I basically killed Jasper when I shattered her. I SHATTERED someone! I’m a m-“

“You’re not gonna say that word! You and I are going to avoid it from now on.”

“I don’t know why you even came. All I do and say makes everything worse.” He started to sob.

“No, you don’t,” Connie placed a hand on Steven’s shoulder. His movement stopped abruptly when he felt her touch.

He didn’t say anything for a while. It was all the crying he was holding in the day he told everyone what as going on inside. At some point he wasn’t sure whether he was just crying or if every once in a while, he just screamed into the empty part of the room. Eventually, Connie laid on her side behind Steven and wrapped her top arm around his shoulders. The pink glow dimmed away.

“I’m here,” Connie gently whispered when Steven’s sobs calmed into sniffles, “It’s okay. I’m not leaving you.”

That’s when Steven turned from facing away Connie to laying on his back. He took a deep breath and his hands moved to wipe his eyes with the palm of his hands.

“I talked to Lapis today,” He confessed after groaning into his forearms.

“Is that what made you so upset? Did she say something?”

“No. She told me what it was like getting better after everything with Malachite. Amethyst suggested talking to her so I wouldn’t feel so alone. It’s not either of their faults but somehow it did the opposite.”

Connie propped her head on her arm, “Why?”

“Lapis said that having Peridot around helped her the most. They looked after each other and helped that made Lapis recover easier.”

“It makes sense. I think I see where this is going.”

“I don’t have anyone. Since I retired from Little Homeschool, I’m not with the Gems all the time, I don’t live with dad, you have your own life, and I don’t have any friends.”

“I may not live with you, but I’m in summer vacation right now. I can visit almost everyday if you want. My parents won’t let us do sleepovers outside of emergencies, but I have Lion and you have the Dondai. If you need me around more than usual, its understandable. You’re my best friend and I want to be there for you.”

“Are you sure you want to do that? Won’t you get sick of me?”

“If I could get sick of you, why would I say ‘yes’ to being your girlfriend?”

“I keep thinking everyone I love wants to leave me.”

“That’s not gonna happen. Everyone who was there for you that day will be there for you whenever you need it.”

Steven turned to fully face Connie. His face was red and puffy. His nose was dripping, and he still looked cute to her. With an ‘aw’, Connie wrapped her arm around his body and pulled him into a hug. The arm between him and the mattress would go numb within a few minutes but he needed the affection and reassurance. His forehead rested in between her shoulder and her neck; immediately he relaxed and took a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth. She smelled calming.

Eventually her arm went numb and she brushed his back with her hand to get his attention.

“Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m losing blood flow to my arm. Do you want to get up?”

“Sure. Sorry. I’m gonna go wash my face real quick.”

“Okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

When Steven turned the corner to go downstairs, Connie texted her mom that she would be staying over for dinner and that she’d be back before 10 pm. The usual.

“Connie?” Steven was already back, and his face was looking less red.

“Yeah?”

“Is it alright if we cuddle? You holding me feels really comforting.”

“Yeah. I liked it too.” She smiled, sat up, and held one arm up.

Steven crawled onto the bed and stopped before fully leaning against her and the wall.

“What if I hugged you and you leaned on my chest?”

“I thought you wanted to he held.”

“I don’t want to crush you.”

“Alright,” Connie moved so Steven could lean against the wall. He opened his arms after getting himself comfortable. Connie started by sitting next to him and then scooching forward so she could lean onto his chest. Once she was able to fully relax into it, his arms wrapped around her and his chin softly rested at the top of her head. Her hands grabbed his which rested on her stomach. They’d never really cuddled before. Hugs, laying down next to each other, holding hands, but this was something much more intimate. Connie was almost sure they would fuse on accident with how close she felt to him.

“Thanks for making me feel safe,” Steven said while slightly tightening his arms around her for a moment.

“What are partners for?” She went from leaning fully on his chest to slightly on the top of Steven’s bicep.

Eventually they both got hungry and settled on ordering Chinese food for the night. Connie went to grab the order and Steven the plates. They decided that the table was their best bet would be the table and ate there.

“Is this another date?” Steven asked.

“I don’t think so. I think we have to ask each other out and confirm it’s a date. This is hangout,” Connie said between a bite. “Why? Do you want to go out again?”

“I do. Our first one was really nice,” He smiled up at her.

“What do you want to do?”

“A movie?”

“That sounds fun! Let me guess: Dogcopter 3?”

“I almost forgot the threequel was out. Is that alright with you? I liked the series ever since you first showed it to me”

“Yeah, let’s go tomorrow if you feel up to it,"

“Alright. I might feel better with something to look forward to.”

“I’m glad.”

Connie left on Lion and texted him that she got home safely. Steven used the motivation to gather all his dirty clothes into a designated pile and made a plan to do the laundry tomorrow. He only had one more clean shirt left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I projecting my own recovery path onto this fanfiction? Yes. Will I stop? Not until this fanfiction is over.


End file.
